arimibn

I've put off sitting down and writing this, but there's still a couple hours before the year ends.  2021. Still doesn't feel real if I'm honest. Weird to think that we're still in a pandemic, and there's not really looking to be a way out. I realized that I'm a bit of a loner. I'm getting better though! And that was a lot of my year. Getting better.  I've had my place for more than a year now, and I haven't missed a single payment. I paid off all of my debt and am completely debt free. I've held the same job for more than a year now as well.  I've gotten better about interacting with humans, and have made more of an effort to build and maintain relationships, though I'm still pretty terrible at it lol I've become a bit more open and honest. I still instinctively hide a lot of my emotions, but I've been able to at least tell people that I care about them every now and again.  It's not that I don't *feel* emotions, but it's more that I have trouble *expressing* them. I often find myself filtering my expressions to an "acceptable" level rather than really expressing how I feel. Really hard to overcome rejection and abandonment issues.  Still regularly have thoughts that a lot of people want me to disappear, but aren't saying it because they're being polite. I'm too scared to bring up the dialog though because I'm scared that they'll confirm that I've misunderstood and that we're not actually friends or something.  Wanna try and overcome this next year though. In truth, there's people that I don't exist to, and people that want me to stop existing. I have to become strong enough to accept that and move on.  I didn't have any New Year's resolutions for 2021, and I didn't really "accomplish" anything, but honestly? I enjoyed how chill I was able to take things this year. It's not that nothing bad happened; I was just able to handle what life threw at me.  I did have a few relapses, but I didn't end up jumping off any bridges this year. For the most part, I was honestly in a good headspace this year.  Playing yugioh, and interacting with others in the community on such a regular basis was just such a HUGE boon for my mental health. Honestly, yugioh kept me so busy that I often didn't have enough time to foster negative thoughts.  I do want to take a bit of a step back from the game next year though. I'll still play, but I want to focus on other things! Might tone it down to one Tournament a week? This year, I only posted one art piece, and most people don't really recognize me as an artist. I don't like that, so I'm going to work a bit harder on art! I want people to comment on my art and share it, and I always feel a bit sad whenever those trends come around and I don't have enough art pieces to put into them lol I also want to focus on my health a bit more! I've lost a lot of weight this year, and I'd like to fix that this year. I'm turning into a skeleton lmao Oh! And I want to be able to do 2 finger pushups again! I'd also like do start journaling my days again. Happy New Year!

Acknowledgment What am I worried about? What is causing me stress? I feel that my desire to interact with people is continuing to lessen. This is causing my loneliness to grow. I think I am worried about the financial future, as I'm unsure of what I'll be doing for money in the future with this uncertain landscape. I truly believe that I can't go back to my previous life, but I also don't know what path to take going forward. Finding things to fill the day is easy enough, but productivity feels impossible because I don't really have any goals that I'm working towards. When I think of the endgame of having a stable life, I don't know how to work towards that. "Getting a job" is far more difficult to really wrap my head around. It's a vague term that doesn't really carry any actionable steps. I feel as though I'm just wandering. And I realize lately that I care very little for experiencing reality. I have lost my "routine" and "structure", and am finding it nearly impossible

Salutations! My name is Arim, and I've held off on doing my yearly review because this one is extra special! It's also a review of the past decade of my life. 10 years is a pretty long time, huh? When I think about it, almost every part of who I am today, none of those things were present in myself in the year 2009. If I'm being honest, the only thing that's the same is that I play Yugioh, and that I'm generally an honest person who tries to be a good person as well. I was in martial arts at the time, but I hadn't gotten a black belt in any discipline yet. A decade ago, I'd say I was very naive. I still believed everything I was told at fac